Christmas Contest 2008
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The Contest

The Judges


Ben and Dennis (AKA Bennis) had a tough task. They needed to sit through all the entries and then actually read them again and think about them and make a decision and know that many contestants would have their feelings hurt and possibly their dreams of becoming a bad writer shattered. We were sure they were going to slip out the side door and make a run for it. But they came through for us and no one threw any tantrums.

Austin - 3rd Place

3rd Place: Not quite back from his anesthesia-induced confusion and afternoon drive to the hospital


She couldn't understand - though she really didn't care - that she didn't and while she tried to persuade them there was much more to it than there was, there wasn't much more than they could even begin to start to fathom ... and that is why she really didn't care.

Lenore - 2nd Place

2nd Place: Representing the great state of Illinois where the sun don't shine in winter and where NJ politicians go for training


As he stood all alone in the front yard, limbs drooping, nose sliding, mouth sagging, eyes lowering, hat slipping, buttons failing, scarf loosening, his solid body collapsing, he sighed to himself wishing that the sun would not continue to rise on the new day.


Tom Sr. - 1st Place

1st Place: With an eye towards a Hollywood screenplay


The problem began when I was down to the 2000 ft. level when my harnesses became tangled and I had to shuck them and continue relying only on my ice-axe and double boots to cling to the rocky projections as I inched my way down to the camp 2000 ft. below where, looking down, I could see the bright orange colors of the hats of the rescue team gathering to ascend and relieve my tired, cramping muscles from giving up and sending me hurling down to my demise, and to add to this dismal situation the wind velocity had picked up significantly, screaming past my face and with it fine, sand -like snow peppering my cheeks which would have been annoying except that it lost its importance due to the rumbling roar typical of an oncoming avalanche above me which increased in pitch to the extent that I didn’t even realize that snow was piling on my hat and shoulders, and now in a state of utter panic I looked down to check the progress of the rescue crew only to see that all the orange hats were scampering back to the safety of the camp, all that is, except one orange hat, my last hope.


Honorable Mention for Alliteration and Artwork


Lola looked sleek and sultry in her shiny sequined cocktail dress, and she exuded pheromones that assaulted sous-chef Randy Randall’s senses like strands of saffron in a savory cheese soufflé, so when he glanced up, teary-eyed, from the Spanish onion he was chopping, her visage seared upon his retinas a watery, dreamlike image that snapped into focus only later as he lay gasping on the greasy kitchen floor -- for not unlike cayenne pepper, fresh garlic, or even a finger flick of horseradish (the good stuff you get in gourmet shops, not the kind that comes in giant jars at Costco), what poor Randy soon discovered -- along with his cardiologist -- was that a little bit of Lola goes a long, long way.



Honorable Mention for Most Bodily Bodily Functions Mentioned


It looked like a green slimy mold in a beaker, like the one that had been
underneath my uncle Fred’s big toe for two weeks, and the doctor prescribed all kinds of medications and antibodies for it, but finally had to perform surgery to get rid of it: strangely enough, that cost a great deal less than Aunt Betty’s liposuction, but aunt Betty looked much prettier after her procedure; Smelled like a hotel room after seven days with four football players wrestling constantly inside it complimented with no room service, which would lead to multiple complaints from the guests in the surrounding vicinity and, of course, from the football players themselves since they were being denied the room service by the hotel staff in the first place and would have to put up with each other’s malodor; And probably tasted like something really gross: A small, green, ugly, liquidy, mean, disgusting, rather irritated, and extremely evil gross little glob of snot: …The Glob!


Honorable Mention for Most Verbose and Biggest Suckup


While doing the mandatory waste-hours-of-your-life-that-you-can-never-get-back on the internet attempting to discover some mundane-to-interesting facts for my 50th birthday my life splat in front of me like flying pig poop hitting a car windshield at 70 miles an hour in 97 degree heat as in horror I stared at the truth on my laptop monitor while at the same time puzzled that I had lived my life established in false piggish traits and attributes and wondered where in the Chinese Fire Drill would I be today had I only put 2 and 2 together to recognize that those CHINESE PARADES that I've attended & watched on TV in MID-February celebrating the Chinese New Year meant that THEIR NEW YEAR STARTED in MID-February and since I was born on February 2nd I was not born at the beginning of the Year of the Pig, but at the end of the Year of the Dog.


Honorable Mention for Delivery and Most Derivative


It was the best of times: it was the worst of times, that is unless you count that time the chick from the falcon from Malta (a series of seven islands 93 kilometers or 53 miles east-southeast of Sicily, which brings up the question of why the world can't just use one measuring device, kind of like dry measuring cups and wet measuring cups, but that's a different issue, isn't it, and we won't even bring up the whole east-southeast thing which just brings up the question of false precision) tried to give me the Big Sleep, not to say I would mind sleeping with a hot chick with a bird fetish but I expect some feather action first, if you know what I mean.

Tommy and Sandy

Honorable Mention for Most Heartfelt (tied with Ingrid)


On this wonderful family-oriented Christmas Holiday I would like to give thanks for my family starting with Dad who always in the wings quietly waiting to give advice and knowledge as it is needed all the while mom is busy keeping this family together planning our next family time with Lyla our ambassador to the world who never meets a stranger unfortunately which is why Tracy is now in our family and Laura our family tree keeper and also our guide to the universe with her partner Joe who she says exists but is rarely seen unlike Lynda our dragon boater and backup knowledge for all of T's equipment and mother of Graeme the tallest person in the family to Lenore and Paula the shortest members of our family and last but not least our charismatic brother Austin and his partner William who are dog lovers like us and know what we've been through during all of our construction woes: To all of these people we say "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night".


Honorable Mention for Most Imagery and Least Focus


Betty was burying her husband's body deep in the woods under a canopy of what must have been thousands of 17-year cycle cicadas screaming  in the trees, screaming like the tell-tale heart staring with their intense red candy dot compound eyes, red like the small but unnaturally bright ruddy face of the turkey vultures that soar in graceful circles endlessly above this forest, their motion very much UNLIKE the cicadas that move from tree to tree in a heavy kamikaze drift that results when momentum does not quite offset gravity and that cling to anything in their path and by anything right now I mean Andrew the Federal Express delivery guy who had just stepped into the trees to pee but who is now doing a jerky "get this thing off of me" dance that will trigger a series of extra-terrestrial events that will change his life forever.


Honorable Mention for Repetitive Synonyms and Recycling


He awoke on the deck of the boat to find himself, his belongings and all the deck chairs splayed out like the deck of cards which had been tossed by the dealer whom he had decked the night before in response to the dealer's ogling of his decked girlfriend while she was decking the casino decks with decorations she had designed with her best friend Dirk who had been with him when he had purchased a deck from the druggies at the end of Deck Avenue but had declined to join him on the boat which led him to believe that Dirk had done the decking to get the deck all for himself.

Uncle Austin

Honorable Mention for Most Puns


Frankenstein bent over -- his name actually was Frank N. Stein, but his younger brother, Beir, thought he treated him like a monster and convinced him to use the monster name, but Beir did not enjoy it for long, he fell off the cliffs of Moher in Ireland while feeding peanuts to the gulls (gulls do not like peanuts) and died -- and picked up what he thought was a a dud grenade and BOOM!


Honorable Mention for Most Heartfelt (tied with Tommy and Sandy)


It's going to be ugly, the doctor said, oh yeah, so what do the doctors know cannot be because of the cancer she is outdoors shoveling snow and not the beautiful, white fluffy kind, but the nasty, icy in need of chopping kind - so then it must be about the "mommas' of all surgeries the quadruple open heart operation - yet here he is going about shopping. and are we not all here changing our plans, helping each other with love, through pain and laughing, and laughing - well not quite all, but william is here! so as I said, what do doctors know anyway - life can be full of hope and beauty.



Tracy cheered us all on.